Baby Got Back in Skinny Jeans

My wardrobe is suffering.  Horribly.  My jeans have holes, my t-shirts are looking worn, and for some reason I have recently only purchased dresses that make me look pregnant.  What is my problem? I am frustrated, irritated and ready for a shopping spree.

Two days ago, I inadvertently had a mini shopping spree.  I was looking for school clothes for my son at my neighborhood Target and while browsing the little boy section something sparkly caught my eye and I slowly raised my head.  There was the women’s section and it was calling my name.  I was drawn to it…. I heard heavenly music as I crossed the aisle.

I then proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes torturing my children by examining three different tops that were, in essence, exactly the same.  It was during this examination and loud whaling of my children that I saw the wall of jeans and I thought “Maybe….just maybe there will be jeans that will fit me perfectly.”  And then I can brag to my friends that I found the perfect pair of jeans at Target for a great price and they will all be jealous. I saw the plan in my head, it made sense, I swear….There were colors that worked and I even saw my size.  The plan was working and I headed to the dressing room!

Now, I don’t know who in the fashion world decided that Skinny Jeans were a good idea but I believe they should be tarred, feathered, and made to wear skinny jeans until the day they die, REGARDLESS of weight.  The first pair I tried on I made an audible gasp/squeek noise.  SAY WHAT?  Why did I suddenly look like I could have the leading role in Sir Mix Alot’s Baby Got Back video? I wasn’t that big five seconds ago, I SWEAR.

I ripped them off and went to the darker color that I was sure would be better.  Well, apparently my calves are the size of a small child because I couldn’t get them past my knees. Seriously?  These jeans are probably the worst idea ever.  I was so enraged that I came home to do some online research for jeans and I ran across this trend…

Maternity Skinny Jeans are a horrible trend

She is pregnant, wearing skinny jeans AND heels.  WHAT?! I don’t know about you but when I was pregnant I did not like wearing anything that really accentuated my rapidly growing body and heels…right, because that is going to happen.

The skinny jeans looked like they were spray painted on my body and the artist didn’t even do a good job. There were rolls that I have never had before.  I looked like the Michelin man on the lower half and Lord knows I am NOT going up a size. So I am going to ask, in the spirit of Paula Cole’s 1996 hit, Where have all the jeans gone?

Skinny Jeans need to be band from society

Who decided to make jeans that only fit teenage girls, supermodels, and uber thin women.  Is this the fashion industries attempt to fight obesity in America?  Make only skinny jeans and then they will have to get thinner!  Suck it fashionistas.  I want my jeans back and I don’t want those Mom jeans that come up to your belly button or have pleats.


I miss you perfectly sized jeans. I miss the way you sit perfectly on my hips and hug the correct curves. I miss our wonderful relationship.  Just because the idiots in the fashion world say you aren’t cool anymore doesn’t mean that you aren’t.  Come back to us….Those Mom jeans are scaring me…..

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3 responses to “Baby Got Back in Skinny Jeans

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